News & views
Divorce social worker - Gary Direnfeld MSW, RSW
Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider Gary an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, contact/residence
recommendations and social work. We are delighted to have his regular
input here.
Scroll down for more articles and his website.
Parenting plan considerations
In intact relationships, parents do not usually consider how decisions
are made with regard to the care of the children, let alone who would
carry out the various parenting tasks. However, once parents are living
separate and apart, these issues must be clearly specified, understood
and agreed upon to avoid conflict and assure proper care.
A Parenting Plan is a written agreement between separated parents setting out the rules and structures for the ongoing care of the children. Parenting plans are constructed with sensitivity to the developmental and cultural needs of the children and the ability of the parents to meet those needs given respective parental strengths, weaknesses and willingness.
Parenting Plans are generally developed on a consensus-building model between the parents, whose efforts may be supported by others. Depending on the nature and quality of support required, supports may include legal counsel, parenting coaches, child specialists, family specialists and other specialists with knowledge, expertise and training in matters such as: mental health, addictions, domestic violence, child development and the like.
As with the development of any plan between separated parents, it is necessary to be mindful of power and control issues and imbalances that could give rise to lop-sided agreements; agreements not necessarily in the best interests of the children; or agreements that may perpetuate harm or may place persons at risk of harm.
Parenting Plans typically contemplate matters in terms of responsibilities and authority as well as set out rules and structure for the direct care of the children between the parents. By way of example, one parent may retain authority for deciding a medical procedure, yet the other parent may be responsible for assuring attendance and implementation of the decision.
In view of the above, the Parenting Plan document will usually
address at least, the following:
Distribution of time the children are in each parents’
care;
Consideration for holidays, birthdays, special occasions, religious
days, summer vacation;
Transfer of care of children between the parents including transportation
arrangements;
Purchase/exchange of belongings;
Healthcare decisions and responsibilities;
Access to information;
Extracurricular activities (how choices are made and rules for parental
attendance);
Involvement of new partners/family;
Change of name;
Religion;
Education;
Parental communication;
Decision making processes and dispute resolution processes;
Limits/rules on mobility and/or travel;
Date or circumstances for review;
Considerations for special problems (geographical distances, mental
health, abuse/violence, etc.)
Editor's Note: For a copy of the Governement Parenting
Plan, please see Divorce Aid/Parenting
Plan at the end of the page.
Separating?
Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues
to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the
matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the
kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing
care of the children between the separated parents. Then there is the
matter of settling housing, finances and ongoing financial obligations.
For some people, these issues begin to blend together, overwhelming
them with the enormity of the consequences.
Emotions
Underneath all decisions are associated feelings. Each issue brings
a host of emotions, mostly dark and upsetting. The parties are dealing
with the loss of the relationship, let alone the fantasy of how things
should have been. There is worry as to the impact on the children, ongoing
parent-child relationships, and economic hardship. Feelings may include
anger, resentment, depression, fear and in some situations, even elation.
Typically it is the feelings that drive decisions. Many people directly
or indirectly seek retribution in how they settle the cascade of issues.
People also may seek to make quick and rash decisions, serving to assuage
their feelings and fears.
Shock
In the wake of the decision to separate, many people turn to a lawyer
first, seeking to preserve rights and turf. The decision to separate
is then communicated to the other party by way of a legal letter, not
only telling of the separation, but laying out the demands and expectations
for settlement. With the rug pulled out from beneath them, the other
party, in a tizzy, is seldom able to respond reasonably given the information
just befallen them. Hence the response may be nothing more than an outpouring
of their emotion, upset, rage, sadness and fear, disguised as a counter
to the demands of the other. Then the couple, like a ship, makes a series
of over-corrections, trying to counterbalance competing demands; they
veer left, then right, further left and further right, harder and harder,
until their matter reaches epic proportions, spilling over into the
courts.
Poor decisions
Separating is always counter-intuitive. No person enters a long-term
committed relationship saying that in time, they seek to lose their
love and develop animosity enough to drive them from the relationship.
These are always upsetting times and when upset drives decisions, poor
decisions are often made further compounding problems. The ones to suffer
most in the process are children. Statistically, it is not the distribution
of assets, residential setting or even the access schedule that determines
the outcome for children. It is singularly the level of conflict between
the parents that most determines how their children will fare during
and after the process and how they shall fare in their own adult intimate
relationships later on.
Divorce counselling
Upon a decision to separate, parents would be wise to call to a counsellor
well trained and versed in separation and divorce matters. Please note,
this is a specialty and very different to working with persons on other
individual, emotional or psychological matters. The counsellor trained
and versed in separation and divorce matters will help the couple identify
and manage the issues that contributed to the decision to separate and
will maintain a clarity of vision to help the couple truly sort out
what is best for their children, given their situation. Further, most
counsellors, trained and versed in separation and divorce matters can
facilitate referrals to financial and legal services and would do so
with the view to preserving the integrity of the parties and relationships.
The goal of the separation is to permit for the untangling of lives, whilst still respecting and maintaining relationships vital to the care and development of the children.
It can be scary seeing the counsellor, but parents are advised to consider this a mature decision aimed at managing their feelings to achieve an outcome best for everyone combined and especially, their children.
Someone really really difficult to get along with?
Most people get along with others. There might be the odd bit
of friction between a person or two, but for the most part, most people
get along.
There is a sub-group of people however, that don’t seem to get along with almost anyone. These persons tend to project blame onto others for their conflict and may also cause others to feel guilty for not meeting expectations in the relationship. Further, some of these people while feigning interest in others, are really only interested in meeting their own needs. These people can be manipulative, self-serving and very distressing to others. If they themselves are distressed, it is only due to the reaction of others, or for others not attending to their demands. They tend not to be distressed about their own behaviour. In fact, when confronted on their own behaviour, they are quite unable to see a problem with themselves and treat the confrontation as a serious attack. They are incredibly adept at making excuses that continues to exonerate themselves while making it seem like everyone else is the problem.
If you explore their childhood, one often sees a history of abuse or abandonment. There may have been parental alcohol or drug abuse and violence in the home. These persons may have been subject to many moves in childhood and care by multiple alternate caregivers.
Such persons may have a personality disorder. A personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis given to adults whose behaviour brings them into conflict with many persons and society. Their behaviour presents as frequently troublesome, inflexible and persistent. There are many behaviours common to persons with a personality disorder. When clusters of certain behaviours are seen in the same person over time, different types of personality disorders are identified. Hence 10 distinct types of personality disorders are distinguished and there are mixed types. Some persons are loud or dramatic, others cause rifts in relationships between other persons with themselves seeking to be in the middle, some may flaunt the law, believing it is their right to do so and others make everything seems about themselves. These characteristics relate to the histrionic, borderline, antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders.
Personality disorders cannot be treated with medication, although someone with a personality disorder may have another disorder such as depression or anxiety, which can be treated with medication. The personality disorder itself may be treated by psychotherapy; however, many persons with personality disorders are treatment resistant. In other words, the psychotherapy does not work and the personality disorder continues. The reason many are treatment resistant is due to the nature of the personality disorder. Another feature of the disorder is the inability of the person to view themselves realistically. They have tremendous difficulty or may be fully unable to realistically appraise or see their own behaviour as troublesome. Therefore, they are quite unable to accept it is they who have the problem and needs the help.
People who live with someone with a personality disorder may come to believe they have the problem, rather than the person with the disorder. The one with the personality disorder is so good at projecting blame and their version of reality and are so inflexible, that others are drawn into accepting blame and feeling guilty. Hence treatment for the family and friends of the person with the disorder becomes paramount. Treatment or counselling is aimed at educating the family and friends as to the nature of the disorder and at helping these persons form strong boundaries to protect from the intrusions of the one with the disorder. Some family members or friends may also have to distance themselves to be self-protective and others may need coping strategies to manage situations as when they need to be near the person with the disorder.
If you are having difficulty with someone as described above and even
if they do get help, get help for yourself. Describe the situation to
the therapist and seek education, guidance and support to manage the
relationship and make choices as to how you will cope and decide what
is acceptable for you. You are allowed to be independent of the person
with the disorder, regardless of the relationship.
Editor's note: Please see our Health
section for further information.
The long arm of domestic violence
Public attention to domestic violence tends to focus on the immediacy
of the problem. In other words when the average persons thinks about
domestic violence, thoughts go to the fright of the victim in the situation
and physical harm caused. Media attention often reinforces the present
context of the violence and perhaps the criminal aspect and legal outcome.
Little consideration is given to the emotional and psychological aftermath.
The emotional and psychological aftermath can last years to a lifetime
and affects not only the target of the violence but also the myriad
of family members and relationships.
When children are involved, the aftermath can fracture or mal-align parent/child relationships in a manner that can continue to perpetuate distress for all involved.
In many instances children share in the trauma of the violent event. They witness it, observe the aftermath of harm to the parent or environment or are left to cope with the emotional and psychological distress of the violated parent. Further, their care can be affected by the violated parent who traumatized, may in some cases be thus over-protective and in other cases unable to meet the emotional needs of the child in view of their own emotional dishevelment. Such children whose emotional and psychological care is altered in this manner develop problems in their own right ranging from fears and worries to lacking a secure sense of self and worth. In turn, their emotional and psychological issues manifest in behaviour at home and school next feeding into a cascade of more problems for the affected parent.
If the parental relationship continues where violence is a feature, children may learn that violence is a reasonable strategy to achieve goals and hence become violent themselves. Alternately, some children learn to be submissive and avoid conflict as a strategy to minimize risk of perceived violence and thus withdraw from meaningful participation where reliance on others is necessary. Further, some children may align with the violated parent, believing it is their responsibility to keep that parent from harm. They may feel a need to remain at home to keep their parent safe or suffer distraction at school as they worry about the safety of the parent at home. Other children may in fact align with the perpetrator and participate in the violation of the affected parent. These children grow to become bullies in their own right whose behaviour the violated parent cannot control and whose behaviour is reinforced by the perpetrator.
If the parental relationship ends, children may be subject to custody and access disputes locking them into an ongoing parental conflict. Some children will seek relief themselves from the perpetrator. However, the perpetrator may not believe or accept that their child is uncomfortable, scared, upset or angry with them. Promises of better behaviour are met with scepticism. Children may naturally align with the violated parent in view of that parent’s distress and be forever unforgiving to the perpetrator. Efforts by the perpetrator to reconcile with the child directly may therefore prove unsuccessful. The child may be influenced directly or indirectly by the affected parent or in his or her own right may reasonably be forever fearful and suspicious of the perpetrator.
In more extreme cases, due to size differential and the relative maturity of the child, the child may harbour feelings and thoughts of the perpetrator as quite larger than life. Fears, real and/or imagined, may intrude their conscious and unconscious mind causing them to hide or avoid detection by the perpetrator. Their behaviour can become organized by these fears and affect all manner of relationships thereafter as well as school and then vocational participation and performance.
The impact of domestic violence is not restricted to the violent act and physical harm caused. The impact of domestic violence thus reaches to immediate and extended family. As affected persons interact with the world, they too carry the aftermath with them and through their interactions, into the rest of the world. The impact of domestic violence next shows itself through fractured and altered relationships and learned behaviours of the affected persons who in turn make their imprint on others.
Needless to say, domestic violence is not a good thing. Nor is the
impact isolated to the to the direct victim.
Editor's note: Please see our articles at Parents
and Legal
Children and parents adjust to separation
You haven’t separated physically yet, but the ink is dry on your
parenting plan agreement and you are ready to go your separate ways.
Now reality bites!
Although many parents don’t talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, particularly when previously living on a full time basis with the kids. Now ready to start a new home, you are struck by the fact you will not be with your children on a full time basis as accustomed. The sense of loss and upset sets in and for many is overwhelming. Few are actually spared the process of mourning, even those who initiated the separation. Some parents are actually surprised by the depth of sadness when this part of the separation takes hold.
As parents experience their first days and weeks without the children’s company, many are left wondering what to do with themselves. They may be restless, agitated, have trouble sleeping or eating and may find themselves tearful with little or no provocation. These experiences point to the emotional adjustment that parents make to the separation process. Here is where some cry in their beer while others chat with friends or family and others seek the support of clergy or counselors.
To intensify matters, as parents are making their own emotional adjustment the children are on a parallel course, also adjusting to the reality of separated parents and separate residences and often a separate set of rules. Similar to parents in the adjustment process, children can appear agitated, depressed or anxious. Children may have trouble sleeping or eating or even concentrating at school. Here some parents point to the children’s adjustment as the basis to re-evaluate the parenting plan. As such, some parents fight over custody and access issues supposedly on the basis of the best interest of the children, but at heart the objective is to lessen their time away from the children and hence soothe their own emotional adjustment. So what was just agreed to a few days, weeks or months ago, is now subject to re-evaluation.
What may be necessary however, is not re-evaluating the whole parenting plan, but offering strategies to ease and facilitate the adjustment process. There are several strategies available to parents and children to help out.
The first strategy is to allow time. Even though living through upset, parents need to understand that an adjustment process is normal and that in many ways, only time can heal the upset. Time is necessary for old habits to wane and new habits to develop. As new habits develop parents and children grow accustomed to the change and the new living arrangements.
The second strategy is to acknowledge the struggle. This validates it as normal. You don’t have to feel bad about feeling sad. Parents can help their children acknowledge their upset by gently admitting their own. It is fair to say to a child, “I know the change is upsetting, I feel it too”, Then go on to add, “But we will both feel better in time.” The key is for the parent to not burden their children with their own emotional issues, but more simply to use their experience to validate their children’s experience.
The third strategy is to talk to someone. This may be a friend, family member, clergy or counselor. The objective is not to change the circumstances, but to find a safe place to let out and share one’s pain. For many people the mere process of acknowledging the upset, eases the burden.
The fourth strategy is to discuss the adjustment with the other parent and see if the parenting plan can be tinkered with, on a friendly basis and for a limited time. Sometimes, separation and new parenting plans can feel radical. The time between parent-child contact, whether person to person or by phone or email can be too long. Shortening the time between contacts can ease adjustment in the short term knowing that over time, time between contacts can be increased. Other strategies in this vein include the odd visit between residential changes, mutual attendance at extra-curricular activities, more phone calls and even having recent photographs.
Adjusting to the immediate change of separation and time with the kids can be onerous. If parents or children are finding the first days, weeks or even months particularly difficult, consider the above strategies before necessarily opening up a whole new custody/access dispute. It just may be that with a little more time, mutual kindness and consideration, the adjustment will take care of itself.
How long does it take to adjust? Several months to several years depending on the will, determination and mutual kindness of both parents.
Improving Eleventh Hour Parenting Agreements
Some say an elephant was a horse made by a committee.
The value of that metaphor is handy to keep in mind when separated parents and lawyers seek to achieve settlements at the final hour on the courthouse steps.
In view of ongoing parenting disputes, many parents turn to the Courts to resolve their differences. As many a lawyer will advise their client, the Court is a very blunt instrument. They are telling their client that they may not be satisfied with an outcome handed down by the judge. In view of the risk involved, that the decision may not reflect the wishes of the parent, lawyers and parents seek to achieve a settlement, right up to the last minute. Many judges also encourage this.
There is tremendous benefit to parents achieving their own agreement, even at the final hour. Agreements entered into voluntarily tend to be more durable than solutions imposed by third parties. Further, parents who voluntarily enter into agreements tend to feel like their life and situation is still within their control, at least to some extent.
The problems with achieving settlements at the final hour is that parents and lawyers may come up with solutions that although sounding reasonable in the heat of the moment, may not be practical in the clear light of day. Further, without the added benefit of input from other professional parties, parents and lawyers may also come up with solutions that are contra-indicated or too cumbersome or so far reaching that it may bind the parents’ hands to processes that are just unacceptable.
Parents and lawyers are advised that while pressure may work in some instances to achieve reasonable agreements, in other instances, the agreements reached can backfire and work against both parties and in particular the needs of the child. In other words, while reaching to develop a horse, they may have come up with an elephant.
Frequently, after achieving such elephant agreements, the parties are referred to therapists or counsellors to implement the plan – plans achieved without the input or guidance from the very counsellor expected to carry out the work.
If parents and lawyers are looking to settle at the final hour and achieve reasonable plans, particularly next involving the work of other service providers, they are well advised to include the intended service provider in the planning process.
Strategies to include the service provider include inviting the service provider to act as a consultant during the planning process. Hence the service provider can be invited to the settlement conference, not to provide the service per se, but to speak as to how the service may be helpful and what would be necessary to make it so. Another strategy is to at least have the service provider on notice that he or she may receive a phone call to discuss potential involvement and the nature of involvement as the parties are negotiating their plan. By virtue of input from the intended service provider, parents and lawyers can be better assured that their plan doesn’t require something beyond the ability of the service provider to provide or doesn’t bind the process inadvertently.
The last thing separated parents need when looking to develop an agreement and plan, is an outcome that quickly falls apart from lack of input from other reasonable sources. Obtaining the input during the planning stage, even if at the final hour on the court house steps can facilitate a more workable solution, clearly in everyone’s interest.
Think of it like the slogan from the gas or electrical company, “Call before you dig”, or in this case, “Call before you commit someone else to your plan.” Make sure the settlement is achievable in the eyes of those who may have to carry out the plan.
Let go to win - Child residence disputes
Monkey hunters have an ingenious way to trap their prey. They carve
a small hole into a gourd and then hollow it out. Into the gourd they
place a small piece of fruit or some nuts. They strap the gourd to a
tree and then wait. In a little while a monkey shows up and sniffs at
the bait. The monkey then squeezes its hand into the gourd and grasps
the bait. With its hand clasping the bait in a fist, it cannot remove
its hand from the gourd. Trapped. Along come the hunter and cuts off
the monkey’s head.
Parents in residence or contact disputes are advised to remember that story. It is true and reflects what can happen when parents engage in battle over the kids.
As each parent grabs hold of their prized position, both can lose control of their destiny to the will of the Courts. Not only can both parents lose control of the outcome, but when children become the battlefield, they then often become the casualties too. Children subject to bitter and ongoing parenting disputes are at risk of anxiety, depression, school failure, poor self-esteem and behavioural problems. Many of these problems can persist through childhood and into adulthood thus affecting adult relationship and vocational performance. This is quite the legacy of parents unwilling to ease their position.
Parents in bitter residence or contact disputes should consider that the prize is not necessarily half the time with their kids or even half a say in matters affecting their lives. The true prize is a 100% relationship with one’s children. This is achieved not by fighting tooth and nail for one’s perceived rights, as the right to fight is not necessarily what is right for the child. Rather, parents are advised to concentrate on their relationship with their kids.
A parent can win a disproportionate amount of time with their child, but if the relationship is poor, it really just means more time to ruin the relationship and hurt the child. Further, not enough time with the other parent may only create resentment towards the parent who limited the child’s time. Rather than focusing on amount of time then, parents can strategize how they will spend the time they have. Thus when concentrating on quality of time, parents can direct their attention to taking their kids to extra-curricular activities, helping with homework, joining in with hobbies and volunteering on school outings. Therefore parents can negotiate the activities in which they participate with their children instead of the amount of time a child is necessarily in their care.
Further and even if not a resident parent, parents can still negotiate to attend parent-teacher meetings and demonstrate an interest in their child’s schooling. Thus the parent demonstrates a keen interest in the life of their child, which enhances the relationship and contributes to the child’s self-esteem.
Assuming that neither parent is abusive or otherwise harmful, children tend to develop best given enough time with both parents to have a meaningful relationship. Meaningful though will be a function of parental participation in the child’s life. Even if the history suggests a parent has been distant or less available, on a go forward basis a positive outcome to a failed marriage may mean better parental relationships with the children. Limiting the possibility of better parental relationships does a double disservice to the child. Not only will the child have lost the primary family structure, but also the possibility of these better parental relationships.
Hence, parents on both sides of the battle are advised to stop and think before clenching tight on their position. Both can let go a little to gain a lot.
Interestingly enough, monkeys who do let go their fruit or nuts get to live another day and parents who let go a little, often improve relationships.
Choosing Mr. Right
Some women find it difficult finding Mr. Right. They may be jumping
into the relationship too quickly. These strategies may save a lot of
disappointment and hurt:
Determine if this should even get started:
For whatever reason, men of limited virtue seem to have radar for vulnerable
women. So the first question is, “Are you single”. If not,
don’t even bother to ask anything else, just run. Developing rapport
with a married man or a man living with another woman is just asking
for trouble.
Find out if he is still licking old wounds:
If the fellow is separated, find out how long the separation has been.
If too short, he may still be carrying a torch for the other woman.
Not long enough and he may not have looked at himself to figure out
his own contribution to the demise. Somewhere in the middle and he may
just be sexually hungry. In any event, it can take six months to well
over a year to get past a prior relationship and be ready for another.
Be careful not to be his transitional relationship or just the answer
to his pent up sexual frustration. These relationships tend not to last.
Take a drinking inventory:
The more the booze, the greater likelihood of problems. Ask him how
much he drinks. You aren’t looking for his assessment of his drinking,
but actual numbers. So, if he says he is a social drinker, ask him how
often he socializes, with whom and how many alcoholic beverages per
occasion. More than six drinks a week or more than 4 per occasion and
the risk of problems begin to escalate. It would be wise to take a pass.
As for drugs, totally out of the question.
Check out his respect for you:
Assuming the fellow is unattached, not licking old wounds, and not drinking
more than a little, start slow and get to know him. Emotional attachment
clouds rational judgment, so use your head before your heart. As you
get to know each other through dating, make your own preferences known.
See if you share in decisions and if your input is accepted and valued.
If decision-making is all one-sided there is a big clue that you do
not have a voice in the relationship. Further, if values and goals are
different or if there are behaviours at issue, discuss them. If they
cannot be resolved now, sex, marriage, cohabiting or having children
will not make them any better. You might be better off leaving now and
starting the process again.
Put your health first:
If indeed you are ready for sex, the fellow must wear a condom. There
simply is no other device that can reduce the risk of getting a sexually
transmitted disease. While you are at it, practice another form of contraception
at the same time. No one contraceptive is 100% foolproof. Combining
a contraceptive with a condom will greatly reduce the risk of both contraception
and STD's. If the fellow refuses to wear a condom or one is not available,
then no intercourse. If the fellow objects, he is telling you that your
health is secondary to his sexual gratification. This is not the basis
of a caring relationship and signals an exit point.
Continue to get to know each other:
If you have gotten this far and now think this relationship has substance,
continue to court for at least a year before cohabiting or marriage.
People are often on their best behaviour in the beginning of relationships.
A period of courtship allows the couple to get comfortable with each
other such that their true self emerges. See if you like him then. If
so, then consider formalizing your relationship.
Take your time
Just like it takes time and effort to churn milk into butter, it takes
time to determine the goodness of fit in relationships. Slow the process
down and take the above strategies as steps along the way. The goal
is a stable, healthy and sustainable relationship to truly meet your
needs rather than a quick jump into the pool, holding your nose, hoping
the water isn’t polluted. Finding Mr. Right requires choices.
Parenting Plans From a Kid’s Eye View
Parents have been telling the kids to get along, play nicely,
share and not talk bad of others, their entire lives. Then the parents
announce their separation and the conflict, hostility and upset between
them, perhaps previously hidden from the kids, is now in the open. Their
tension spills throughout the house. For the children of separating
parents, their first wish is for their parents to get back together.
If that is not possible, their second wish is for their parents to get
along. If their parents cannot even get along, their third wish is for
their parents to leave each other alone and quit fighting. Kids don't
typically think about residence (child custody) and contact (access).
They think about their parents' love.
The level of conflict, whether low, medium or high and the kids three
wishes are the clue to parenting plan solutions.
Low conflict
In low conflict situations, the parents may not get along well, but
perhaps well enough to stay in the same house, maybe not the same bedroom,
but the same house. The parents may regard themselves as high conflict,
but actually, this is more akin to high tension rather than medium or
high conflict. In high tension, there is a stress imposed by the bad
feelings between the parents. There is concern for eruption of conflict,
but none-the-less, the parents can manage their behaviour and curtail
open hostility. Children in these situations get their first wish. It
may not be perfect, but they remain together with their parents under
one roof. Scheduling and parental responsibilities generally remain
the same.
Medium conflict
Open hostility or antagonism differentiates high tension from conflict.
In medium conflict, while the parents may not get along, there is still
a level of civility which only from time to time dips to include subtle
denigration, such as making faces, sniping or sarcastic comments and
the like. The parents are well able to distinguish their issues from
the needs of the children and keep the children’s interest forefront,
even though they the parents cannot stand to be under the same roof.
Given medium conflict and the kids’ second wish being that the
parents get along, kids in these situations would like their parents
to be neighbours. In their mind, if their parents lived in houses side
by side, or at least within walking distance of each other, they would
have some peace of mind with regard to maintaining a close and loving
relationship with both parents.
High conflict
In high conflict situations, the hostility between the parents has likely
never been hidden or managed well in view of the kids. There may be
allegations of abuse between the parents or even of a parent towards
the children. Issues of alcohol or drug use/abuse may be present and
there is a greater probability of a mental health issue affecting at
least one parent. Parents are deadlocked with regard to their view of
the ongoing care of the children. The children shudder at the thought
of their parents remaining in the same house, let alone the some neighbourhood.
Like the ol’ western, “This town isn’t big enough
for the both of them”. Kids in these situations, more often than
not, still seek to maintain a close relationship with both parents.
However they realize that like some young kids fighting in the sandbox,
peace will only prevail as long as they are kept far apart. So these
kids just want their parents to leave each other alone, so they might
enjoy their own relationship with each parent, free from the intrusions
of the other. In these situations, children are better off with some
physical distance between the parents to act as a buffer or neutral
zone where neither will run into the other.
Kids subject to parental separation do live with some level of hypocrisy. We tell kids to get along, play nicely and the like, yet and certainly during the separation process, many parents do anything but. Want your kids to adjust better? Follow the advice you would give them and consider a parenting plan according to the level of conflict.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Can a child choose which parent to
live with?
Sometimes parents involve their children in residence and contact
matters hoping the opinion of the child sways the outcome. At other
times, children may seek to initiate a change themselves. The child's
desire may be due to conflict with a parent; seeking to be closer to
a particular school or friends; or even seeking to avoid reasonable
parental expectations looking instead to live with the parent with whom
they have greater albeit inappropriate freedoms. Thus children sometimes
wonder about their influence in such matters too.
Generally, residence and contact decisions are matters for parents to decide. When they are unable to reach a decision between themselves, parents may turn to a counsellor for guidance. If that is unsuccessful, parents may then turn to a mediator and if that is unsuccessful, they may turn to the court.
With regard to the input of children, the older the child, the more weight their input can have in the decision making process.
Often the age of twelve is considered a turning point when the opinion of a child may begin to truly give added weight to these decisions. However, there is nothing magical or automatic about that number. Maturity of the child, the situation and parental influence will also be important factors, not to mention the needs of the child and the respective parent's ability to meet those needs appropriately and in a timely fashion. Therefore, being minors, the decision still remains in the hands of adults, be they the parents, professionals or Courts.
Parents are always cautioned against involving their children in residence and contact decisions.
In the event a parent influences a child, the child may feel trapped, unable to resist the influence of the parent and not wanting to undermine their relationship with the other parent. Hence influencing a child only adds to their psychological and emotional distress living between their separated parents. In these circumstances, parents must ask themselves if what they are doing is truly for the child or their own interest.
From the child's perspective there can be all sorts of legitimate reasons to alter their residency between separated parents. However the child may not be privy as to how the residence and contact decisions were arrived at in the first place. Hence their view of the situation may not be fully informed. So while children may form a reasonable argument in view of their desire, it still remains between the parents to discuss and reach a decision.
Whether child initiated or parent initiated, parents are encouraged to sit down with each other and the older child and if unable to resolve matters between themselves, consult a counsellor, mediator or lawyer to aid in their decision making process.
While parents may consult with the older child, hopefully in the end they will keep the actual decision making process to themselves.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW.
Gary is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, contact/residence recommendations and social work.
Read more about him at www.yoursocialworker.com
Editor's note: You may also be interested in an Independent
article, The choice: When a child decides to move parents.
See What the papers say.
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