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Divorce Aid Press Release 15 February 2008

He loves me, he loves me not
Divorce Aid reports that divorce lawyers and counsellors are poised for the aftermath of Valentine’s Day
So how was your Valentine’s Day? Is your marriage ‘crowded’ resulting in more than just two people exchanging Valenine gifts?
If it was a disaster, don’t worry as you are not alone; the UK could be in the grip of an infidelity epidemic with affairs affecting one in every three couples.

And whilst honest controlled statistics on the level of cheating spouses are notoriously hard to come by, Peggy Vaughn in ‘Monogamy Myth,’ believes figures as high as 60% of men and
40 % of women will have an extramarital affair during the lifetime of their marriage. And more would contemplate an affair if they could be guaranteed that they would not be discovered.
So how does that admission impact on relationships within marriage which is traditionally founded on monogamy, trust and emotional intimacy?

The January 2007 YouGov poll on marriage reported that 84% of the 5,000 people polled, believed that infidelity is always or mostly wrong. But a recent survey by Seddons Solicitors shows 27% of 2,000 people polled have thought that their partner may be seeing someone else. Deborah Jeff, expert family lawyer from Seddons, says
'52% of those polled know of someone who is in a loveless relationship.'

And what about the increasing levels of ingenuity and dexterity required to maintain the pretence of sexual fidelity which can also take their toll as the deceptions begin to stack up like a House of Cards? Indeed, a moment’s carelessness can lead to the infidelity being discovered – an ever more common occurrence in our IT driven and text-saturated lives.

Aristotle observed,
‘Even the tiniest initial deviation from the truth is subsequently multiplied a thousand fold.’

Christina Tait of Divorce Aid cautions,
‘Do be careful if you are putting the happiness of your family in jeapardy. Is the risk really worth it? Have you considered the consequences? When a radio station is offering divorce as a prize, we may all wish to return to an era when families came first and spouses only exchanged Valentines with each other.’

Caroline Kessler, Relationship (Parenting) Consultant and author of the workshop programme ‘How to get what you want without shouting’ comments,
‘Once there are children in a marriage, the ripples of adultery become even greater as it’s not just the spouse who is deceived but the whole family which can be torn apart.
When things are tough, particularly when there are young children, it’s so important for couples to be able to communicate effectively with each other. Honest and open exchange of feelings is something most of us are not very good at, so it can take some guts to be able to say ‘I feel lonely’. Bringing feelings out into the open enables something constructive to be done, rather than the destructive activity of affairs.’

Caroline is a divorced mother with four children and adds,
‘It can be very hard for children to come to terms with the fact that a parent, who has been a role model and a guiding force in their life, has lied and cheated. Older children who are starting to experience their own relationships, and are able to recognise the value of trust and faithfulness, may find it particularly hard to reconcile their feelings of love for their parent with abhorrence at what they have done. The mix of conflicting emotions and needs is tumultuous and stressful, and potentially very damaging for families.’

And whilst for some, the exposure of the affair can serve to highlight serious cracks in the relationship which once revealed can then be worked on and used to knit the relationship back together, for many the betrayal is too much to either forgive or forget.

Liz Tait , Specialist Family Lawyer at national law firm, Irwin Mitchell, and a volunteer legal adviser to Divorce Aid, comments ,
‘Adultery remains a very popular ground for divorce used to evidence the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage relationship.

Put bluntly, the legal definition entails consensual sexual intercourse during the marriage between the married person and a person of the opposite sex who is not the spouse.’

Liz adds,
‘Beware the ticking clock. You can’t rely on your spouse’s adultery after you have found out about it if you go on to live together for six months or more and it’s worth pointing out that you can’t use your own adultery to petition for a divorce; it has to be the other party’s.’

Adultery is an ever present part of society and despite the marriage rate falling, crowded marriages look set to stay. Whether we can cope with deceit, elect for open marriage or refrain altogether, the consequences need to be lived with.
And the choice to cheat or not is ours and ours alone.

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Debts and Divorce Campaign
A new approach to control debt during and after divorce www.debt-after-divorce.com

As anyone who has ever been divorced doubtless knows, the divorce process can leave both parties heavily in debt. The emotional side of divorce can take its toll, but the financial process can in fact be one of the most stressful aspects of separation, and dividing up any debts from the marriage can leave a huge dent in your bank balance. Since the whole process can be costly, both in financial and emotional terms, there has been a move towards a more amicable approach to sorting out the terms of a separation. With the launch of the "Debts And Divorce Campaign", from the UK Insolvency Helpline and Divorce Aid, the self-help and support website for families going through divorce, there is now a structured approach in dealing with household debts.

This is welcome news as the strain of Britain's 160,000 divorces each year is not just stressful, with almost half (45%) those surveyed saying breaking up has caused more financial problems than bereavement or redundancy. People who split up also use up their personal savings as well, with 36% becoming heavily in personal debt as a result. 30% of divorcees stated that they needed professional debt counselling and advice, while 28% found it hard to adjust to having just one household income and 10% had difficulty sorting out their debts and had to consider bankruptcy. The research carried out by the UK Insolvency Helpline in conjunction with Divorce Aid has shown that the cost of divorce can leave couples heavily in debt and sometimes becoming an ex also brought out the need to spend money on themselves, with 15% saying they had utilised credit cards to purchase holidays or luxuries they would not have bought if still married. This can be a very sore point during the divorce process.

Only 8% of people said they had managed to control their finances and had come to an amicable agreement on finances, even though more than a quarter said they wished they had. Of the 78% who ended their marriages amicably, almost all said that their finances now needed a makeover. On average divorcees who contacted the UK Insolvency Helpline had £15,000 to £25,000 in unsecured debts, while half of people had debts of £2,400 to £6,000 due to the costs of setting up a new home. Many of the people interviewed had chosen to enter into an Individual Voluntary Arrangement (IVA ) which is a softer alternative to bankruptcy and can massively reduce debt levels. When it came to practical advice, more than half of the 320 people questioned said they had turned to The UK Insolvency Helpline for financial guidance after speaking to their solicitors.

Many relied on Citizen Advice Bureaux, some turned to friends, others went to counsellors or used support organisations such as Divorceaid. Ian Richards from the UK Insolvency Helpline said, "We have launched the "Debts And Divorce Campaign" to try and understand our callers' spending patterns so that we can help them plan for the future. By using the divorceaid.co.uk website, people should be able to keep their legal costs down as they are guided through the whole divorce process. Christina Tait, from Divorce Aid says, "This could possibly assist some people in saving their relationship or at least bringing it to a more peaceful and less costly closure but whatever happens, Divorce Aid aims to provide support. We will take you through emotional, child and health issues, as well as explaining the legal and financial implications."

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Statistics - What causes debt?

• Divorce and separation - 52%
• Bereavement - 18%
• Ill Health - 15%
• Loss of work - 10%
• Disability - 5%

Case Study
Louise and William Davies recently divorced. The terms of the divorce decree stated that William would pay the balances on their three joint credit cards and two loan accounts, amounting to £22,000. Months later, after William decided to go bankrupt, all three creditors contacted Louise for payment. She referred them to the divorce decree, insisting that she was not responsible for the accounts. The creditors correctly stated that they were not parties to the terms of the divorce and that Louise was still legally responsible for paying off the couple's joint accounts. Louise later found out that the late payments appeared on her credit report and as such entered into an IVA - Individual Voluntary Arrangement. (IVA - A softer alternative to bankruptcy, which can massively reduce debts.) In most scenarios, the date of separation in a final judgment or decree officially determines when you are no longer responsible for the debts that your spouse has incurred. Make sure all joint accounts are closed or divided when you separate. Make sure, too, that you divide all debts and know who is responsible for each one. Before doing so, set up an account in your name and make sure that you qualify for credit, since sometimes your individual credit rating can be affected if you close an account. If you are unable to trust each other during the separation, contact all service providers (gas, council tax, solicitors, dentists, etc.) and inform them in writing that if any work is being done for your spouse, you will not be responsible for the bills.

Even if all these precautions are taken, it is still possible that creditors might come after you seeking payment for bills your spouse may have incurred. Thus the more accounts you can close, the better off you are but always be guided by your solicitor. You may well be responsible for debts your spouse runs up for the necessities of life during the separation period. These include housing, food, clothes, the children's expenses, and medical expenses. The more you can agree together, the easier the separation could be.

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TOP TIPS
You may want to look closely at issues involving credit. Understanding the different kinds of credit accounts opened during a marriage may help illuminate the potential benefits-and pitfalls-of each. Whether you are married or single, you alone are responsible for paying off the debt. The account will appear on your credit report, and may appear on the credit report of any "authorised" user. If you're not employed outside the home, work part-time, or have a low-paid job, it may be difficult to demonstrate a strong financial picture without your spouse's income. But if you open an account in your name and are responsible, no one can negatively affect your credit record.

No matter who handles the household bills, you and your spouse are responsible for seeing that debts are paid. A creditor who reports the credit history of a joint account to credit bureaux must report it in both names Because two people applied together for the credit, each is responsible for the debt. This is true even if a divorce decree assigns separate debt obligations to each spouse. Former spouses who run up bills and don't pay them can damage their ex-partner's credit histories on jointly held accounts. If you're considering divorce or separation, pay special attention to the status of your credit accounts. If you maintain joint accounts during this time, it's important to make regular payments so your credit record won't suffer. As long as there's an outstanding balance on a joint account, you and your spouse are responsible for it.

If you divorce, you may want to close joint accounts or accounts in which your former spouse was an authorised user. Or ask the creditor to convert these accounts to individual accounts. A creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in marital status, but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to change joint accounts to individual accounts. The creditor can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on your new application, extend or deny you credit. In the case of a mortgage or home equity loan, a lender is likely to require refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.

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NOTES TO EDITORS
The UK Insolvency Helpline
w: www.insolvencyhelpline.co.uk
t: 0800 074 6918

Many people with debt problems do not know where to turn for help. The secrecy of debt often leads to further borrowing, making the problem worse. Debt affects relationships, work performance and health. The UK Insolvency Helpline offers quick access to a way out from the downward spiral of debt. The service is needed because of increasing demand for free and impartial debt advice. This has become difficult to obtain in recent years, particularly for those in work. Those needing help are referred to the UK Insolvency Helpline, a free national debt advisory organisation. The UK Insolvency Helpline works closely with the voluntary money advice sector and other organisations. They provide continued personal support to their clients, assigning each with a case officer who is readily available to help with problems or concerns that may arise. The service is completely confidential and clients will be offered a solution that best meets their individual circumstances.

The UK Insolvency Helpline offers:

• Immediate advice to all clients
• Ensures clients understand the options open to them in order that debt-repayment programmes are realistic and achievable
• Offers advice without asking for sensitive personal information
• Provides continued personal support and advice, assigning each client a case officer who is available throughout the repayment programme for help with concerns or problems that may arise
• Gives clients a specific date by which they will have cleared their debts
• Offers a nationwide network of support with home visits arranged in circumstances where this is felt necessary
• Employs trained money advice professionals.

Divorce Aid
w: www.divorceaid.co.uk
e: office@divorceaid.co.uk
Divorce Aid
Editor: Christina Tait

Divorce Aid is a new self-help and support website for families going through divorce. Written in a comforting and easy to understand style with original artwork and numerous quotations and poems, it aims to reduce the conflict and distress associated with the divorce process. There are six sections on the easy to navigate site and each includes a selection of articles, a Letters Page, Books section and a pop-up "Who can help" section with direct links to numerous agencies and helplines. Each of these has been personally tested and reviewed so that the user is not just redirected to another site. With experts like a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, a family G.P; financial advisers, an entrepreneurial guru, expert family lawyers, life coaches and the inimitable Barefoot Doctor, Divorce Aid hopes to guide families through these six areas:

• Emotional
• Child
• Health
• Legal
• Financial
• Moving On

Emotional Aid - Assess whether your marriage is really over and find support in dealing with the emotions that this entails. Consult a counsellor face to face, by phone or email.

Child Aid - Hands on information for parents with a site for Children and an innovative site just for Teenagers. Seeing things through the eyes of a child is the site philosophy.

Health Aid - Looks at Mind Body and Soul issues. This contains thought-provoking articles with ideas for coping with this change.

Legal Aid - a guide to the divorce system in England and Wales, written in a sympathetic, non-legal manner. From finding a qualified solicitor, how to handle him and keep costs down to making a short term plan, overcoming obstacles such as problems re children and reaching a settlement.

Financial Aid - looks at issues from the courts' view, the CSA in a nutshell, making a short term plan, the family home, drawing up a budget, debts in conjunction with the UK Insolvency Helpline, pensions and settlements.

Moving On - focuses on issues post divorce such as dating again, new families, work and training and finances. The accent here is on personal stories and the future.

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