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Mediation

How can mediation help in divorce?
When you are unable to sort things out between yourselves, then it is worth considering mediation. Mediation is a means of talking to your partner in the presence of an independent professional, a mediator. It should not be confused with counselling or marriage guidance which deal with your emotions and your relationships. If you go to mediation, it assumes that your relationship has broken down and that you both wish to attempt to sort out any disputes you may have regarding your children, your home, finances or legal practicalities. Mediation looks at ways of resolving disputes as a result of your relationship break-up. Mediation is seen as a way of avoiding the court process. It can avoid much stress, time and money.

Are there winners and losers?
At the end of mediation, you should feel that you are neither a winner nor a loser, but that you have come to a sensible arrangement that you can both live with. In other words, it helps to sort out a workable compromise.

What is the advantage?
Mediation can help to reduce tension, anger and misunderstandings and improve communication between you and your partner. And communication is, after all, vital when trying to reach a settlement. This is especially important if you have children as you will probably have to co-operate over their care and upbringing for some years to come.

Can children use mediation too?
Some mediators, including National Family Mediation, also offer services for children. Most children, usually from the age of six, benefit by being able to discuss their feelings with someone outside their family. After discussing their feelings, usually including fears of abandonment, anger and sadness, children can then get back to being children.

Would mediation suit me?
You can use mediation whether or not you are married and whether or not you have children. It can be used at any stage in your negotiations if you both feel that it could help. A mediator is trained to create and maintain a sense of balance in your discussions but if domestic violence is an issue, you should consult a solicitor for advice. You both have to come to the negotiating table on equal terms and be willing to share information with each other. If you want to use mediation but don't want your partner to know your address or phone number, you should tell the mediator at once. You can also request a separate waiting area before meeting with your mediator.

Would I still need a solicitor?
In most cases, yes. Mediators can give you general information about the law but they cannot give you personal advice. It is best to see a solicitor before and during the mediation process so that he can tell you what your rights are and where you stand on financial issues. It could be a thankless task if you reach agreement without independent legal advice as this could be challenged in court at a later date. You may be loosing patience with all these procedures and may wish to bring them to a conclusion but always rely on your own personal lawyer. You will also need a solicitor to draw up any agreement at the end of this process. This could then be made into a court order.
Please note that many of our recommended family law firms in our Directory also offer mediation services. To read the article How to make the divorce process less painful, please scroll down to the end of the page.

What can I expect at the first mediation meeting?
Meetings take place in a private and safe place. Usually there is only the mediator (sometimes two) and you together with your partner. The setting is informal and first names are normally used. The mediator would explain the process to you and answer any questions. You would then be asked about the issues you may wish to discuss. A list may be drawn up and you may both be asked to supply information for the nest meeting. A mediator is unable to make decisions for you but can facilitate an atmosphere where you can both explore different solutions. He will not take sides and will try to ensure that you are both heard on equal terms.

How many sessions can I expect and how much will it cost?
This of course depends on the nature of the problems but, generally, two to four sessions, each lasting about an hour and a half. There is no standard fee. Don't be put off asking. If one mediator is unable to help, he may suggest another. You may also be eligible for CLS (Community Legal Service) funding if you are on a low wage, on benefits and don't have much capital or savings. This used to be called Legal aid. If you are already receiving this funding for legal advice, then you may be required to try mediation.

Would everything discussed be treated as confidential?
Nothing is passed on to a third person unless you both agree. What you say in mediation cannot be used in court if mediation breaks down but this does not apply to the facts provided regarding income and property for example. But if the mediator thinks that a child or adult is at risk of harm or has been harmed, then he will stop the proceedings and take suitable action, usually involving the police or social services.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of using mediation?

Advantages
NFM states that 68% of clients reach agreement when discussing chid issues only. When couples discuss "all issues" (child/property/financial), 80% resolve all or some issues. Instead of each of you relying on solicitors or the court to sort things out, mediation attempts to cut though the anger and hurt, helping you to resolve the issues yourselves. One advantage therefore is the likely reduction in legal costs and time as mediation could bring about agreement in weeks or months rather than years although you will both still need some time with your own solicitors.

An agreement made between yourselves is more likely to be kept rather than one forced upon you, especially where children are concerned. It focuses on the future rather than the past, allowing you both to reach a compromise which is considered just and fair. This agreement can then be drawn up by your solicitors and made into a formal court order. Even if agreement cannot be reached on all subjects, you will have at least gathered in the information that solicitors will need and therefore have saved on costs and time.

Disadvantages
Mediation is costly in terms of emotional stress. Having to meet your soon to be ex can be quite traumatic but there is alot to be gained. If one of you has always held the purse strings or made all the decisions, you could be at a disadvantage but the mediator will try to keep things on level ground. The main disadvantage occurs when solicitors are not used before and during the mediation process as couples who expend so much time and energy in mediation are sometimes reluctant to try to change the agreement when advised to do so by their respective solicitors.

Your solicitor is the only one who can apply your personal circumstances to the law and decide what is equitable and fair. He is able to see the future pitfalls of any agreement and will want to protect your interests. Yet again, it is a question of gathering information, discussion and expert advice but it is up to you to decide in the end.

How do I find a mediator?
We are pleased to feature a few independent mediation services as well as the national ones listed further below and would welcome news from others.

Arena Mediation
Hampshire and the Wiltshire and East Sussex borders
Tel: 01794 524395 Fax: 01794 524395
E-mail: admin@arenamediation.co.uk
www.arenamediation.co.uk

Our divorce mediation service covers the whole of Hampshire and the Wiltshire and East Sussex borders. Our main office is based in Romsey – tel: 01794 524395 and we also have 13 outpost offices including Southampton, Eastleigh, Andover, Portsmouth, Southsea, Chichester, Whiteley, Winchester and the Isle of Wight.
We offer a confidential and discreet service to separating and divorcing couples, including co-habitees, civil partnership and same sex relationships. The most common areas for discussion involve arrangements for children and division of assets and liabilities including property, savings, pensions and loans and credit cards.
Our mediators have a wealth of experience and are all trained in child consultation.
We have a franchise with the Legal Services Commission for Public Funding, which means that if your income is below a certain level, you may qualify for FREE MEDIATION.
We offer flexible appointments including early morning, weekend and evenings by arrangement.

Michael Laycock, mediator
Evolve mediation service, Hampshire, Dorset, Wiltshire
Until he began working full time as a family mediator in January 2004 Michael worked as a solicitor specialising in Family Law, which he practised for some 25 years.
Michael qualified as a family mediator in 1996 having been trained by the world-renowned authority Dr John Haynes, and is a full member of the UK College of Family Mediators and of Resolution. He is also recognised as a mediator by the Legal Services Commission,
Michael is trained in consulting direct with children.
Michael's office is located near Southampton Hampshire but he arranges appointments locally to suit his clients' convenience at venues throughout Hampshire, Dorset, Wiltshire and elsewhere including Southampton, Bournemouth, Fareham, Portsmouth, Winchester and Salisbury.
Telephone: 02380 812983 Michael is happy for you to call for an informal chat if you need further information about how mediation can help you to resolve your differences over children, property and finances without going to court.
or Contact him through his website which also contains lots of other useful information.
www.evolvemediationservice.co.uk

Lyons Davidson Family Mediation
There's an excellent mediation group called Lyons Davidson Family Mediation in Bristol, Bath, Weston-super-Mare, Trowbridge, Chepstow, Lydney and Stroud. There's another called Hallam Mediation in Sheffield, Doncaster and Rotherham.

You should first of all decide whether you need a family mediator or a lawyer mediator
Family ones tend to deal with issues regarding children and lawyer mediators are experienced family lawyers who have undertaken training in mediation and are more suitable where problems include finances. You can ask whether comprehensive all issues mediation is available. If you are not sure, ask your solicitor for advice and you can always ask for a first appointment with a mediator before committing yourself. Some mediators offer a free half hour introduction session.

Lyons Davidson Family Mediation - Bristol, Bath, Weston-super-Mare, Trowbridge, Chepstow, Lydney and Stroud.
Lyons Davidson Family Mediation isn't about marriage guidance or counselling. It certainly isn't about lawyers fighting over the children, house, car and money.

LD Family Mediation guides you
What LD Family Mediation does is to give you the expert, impartial help of someone who's trained to listen, understand and help you reach your own decisions. Someone who will focus your attention on what's important. Someone who will help guide you through the practical concerns you'll have to face. And, give you down-to-earth, understandable support on reaching an agreement that you both can live with.

Both of you have to be ready and willing to take part in mediation
Both of you have to be open and honest. Both of you have to want it to work. Then, it most certainly will. The alternative, after much time and argument, could be a solution imposed on you by a judge, together with potentially large legal costs.

What does LD mediation provide?
Our family mediators can provide everything you need to get through your separation with the minimum of stress. We have proven expertise in Family Law, real experience of the problems and pitfalls that can occur and a genuine commitment to making the solution as simple and straightforward as possible. Public funding (legal aid) for family mediation available if you are eligible - please ask.

Contact Frances Place and her mediation team:
Tel: 0117 904 5900 / 0800 038 5900
Mobile: 07796 308257
Fax: 0117 904 6006
Email: info@lyonsdavidson.co.uk
Web: www.lddr.co.uk
Minicom: 0117 904 5892

Hallam Mediation - The independent family mediation service
Offices in Sheffield, Doncaster and Rotherham
For some years now, we have helped many couples to resolve family disputes without going to court. We have helped to agree arrangements for children and division of property by focusing on practical solutions.
In mediation there are no winners or losers. The aim is to work towards an outcome which both parties regard as reasonable.

Hallam Mediation provides a high quality mediation service. We are contracted to the Legal Services Commission to provide mediation to clients who are eligible for public funding (legal aid). We also have many privately-funded clients who benefit from the lower costs of mediation compared with the expense which could be incurred in an acrimonious separation.

The team of six solicitor mediators is led by Marilyn Cumberland and includes Imogen Clout, the author of Which? Guide to
Divorce and splitting up
There's also a mediator/counsellor on the team.

Their website is: Hallam Mediation
For their contact details, see Contact Page for Hallam Mediation

Phone numbers:
Sheffield (0114) 221 1617
Doncaster (01302) 366643
Rotherham (01709) 366118
Email: e-mail: marilyn@hallamediation.com


Other sources of assistance are given below:

Are you having problems seeing your child?
If you are having problems regarding contact with your child, log on to this excellent site www.itsnotyourfault.org This site contains a list of mediation centres which may help you to resolve these issues.
(We thank Vicky and the NCH for their support.)

Help with mediation fees
You may be eligible for help with paying for family mediation. For details of family mediators throughout England and Wales who can offer family mediation assisted by Community Legal Service funding contact:
CLS Directory Helpline
Tel:0845 608 1122 (minicom number:0845 609 6677) and or visit their website.
If you are on limited means, always ask any mediation service if they have reduced fees.

Other sources for mediation:
Please mention Divorce Aid when making contact with any of these agencies:

National Family Mediation
Star House 104 - 108 Grafton Road
London NW5 4BD
Tel: 0207 485 8809 Fax: 0207 284 1881
Email: general@nfm.org.uk
Web: www.nfm.org.uk/
NFM should be able to put you in touch with a local mediator. If you phone them on this number, you will be asked to leave your name and address on their answer machine. You will then receive a list of mediators together with an explanation of their services in the post. You can also discuss this with your solicitor and he could arrange a meeting for you. This organisation has 70 centres and nearly all offer mediation concerning "all issues" which means child issues together with property and financial matters. They operate on a non profit basis and you should always ask even if you are on limited means. In some cases, legal funding may be available. See the information above.

In Scotland, contact:
Family Mediation Scotland
127 Rose Street, South Lane
Edinburgh EH2 4BB
Tel: 0131 226 4507 Their booklet, "Parents Apart", is very good.

The Family Mediators Association
FMA 6 Grove Road, Grove House, Redland, Bristol BS6 6UN
Web: www.fmassoc.co.uk
Tel: 0117 946 7180 or Fax on: 0117 946 7181 or write to:
This organisation usually uses two mediators, one being a lawyer mediator and the other a family mediator. In this way, complicated property and financial matters can be dealt with as well as looking after child issues and the related stress. Again, this can be discussed with your solicitor.

Solicitors as sole mediators:
BALM - The British Association of Lawyer Mediators
The Shooting Lodge, Guildford Road,
Sutton Green
Guildford, Surrey GU4 7PZ
Tel: 01483 235000 Fax 01483 237004

The UK College of Family Mediators
This association is the central body which has set up standards of practice in family mediation. You can contact them direct for assistance in finding a mediator.
The UK College of Family Mediators
24-32 Stephenson Way
London NW1 2HX
Tel: 020 7391 9162/9158 Fax 020 7391 9165
Web: www.ukcfm.co.uk.

Family Mediation Helpline
The Family Mediation Helpline is staffed by specially trained operators who provide:

.general information on family mediation;
.advice on whether your case may be suitable for mediation
.information about eligibility for public funding
contact details for mediation services in your local area
Phone 0845 60 26 627 or see mediation site

How to make the divorce process less painful
We hear from Kim Beatson, Head of Family Law Team at Anthony Gold

I went to a wedding recently where the bride’s parents (each with their new partners) sat on opposite sides of the aisle. The wedding reception was a tense affair. Both the bride’s father and stepfather made speeches but the animosity between them was evident – all very sad as the bride’s parents had divorced some ten years earlier.

Each year around 275,000 couples marry and around 168,000 couples divorce. The divorce rate has stabilised over the last few years but the popularity of marriage as an institution is in gradual decline.

There is increasing public awareness of the huge pain that divorce can inflict on families both in emotional and financial terms. Divorce lawyers often take the blame for this but what are the alternatives to the conventional legal process?

Many couples are choosing the mediation option as a civilised means of resolving disputes that arise when a relationship ends, such as whether to divorce or separate and what arrangements should be made for the children, finance and accommodation. This has nothing to do with reconciliation. Instead, couples meet with a trained mediator who will help them to identify the areas of disagreement and to explore the areas for settlement. The mediator does not give the parties legal advice and, therefore, both parties are encouraged to take independent legal advice before any agreement is finalised. The parties’ solicitors can then draw up a binding agreement if a settlement is reached. The process is confidential.

Susannah and Alan came to see me in mediation earlier this year. Both agreed that the marriage was over but were still living together. Both were anxious to see as much of the children as possible. Alan had formed a new relationship and Susannah was upset about this and mindful of the effect this could have on the children. Both had strong views about whether the matrimonial home should be sold. In mediation it was possible to agree a pattern of contact so that Alan was spending frequent time with the children. Alan was able to agree that the children should not be brought into contact with his girlfriend until the separation took place. It was agreed that the house should be sold but Susannah received a greater proportion of the proceeds to reflect the fact that Alan had greater pension provision. Both took their agreement to their own lawyers after mediation, an agreed settlement was reached and the legal costs were reduced considerably.

In mediation a negotiated settlement can be achieved in a matter of weeks, saving thousands of pounds on each side. However, the mediator still requires full details of the parties’ financial circumstances.

Mediation is equally suitable for cohabiting couples or same sex couples. It is particularly helpful where couples disagree about the future welfare of their children.

Mediation has been around for years, but there is a new way of resolving family law matters that is known as collaborative practice. This involves the couple working with specially trained collaborative lawyers (one each). They each receive legal advice and guidance and, together with the lawyers, discuss and resolve issues through face-to-face meetings. The threat of Court action and horrendous legal costs are avoided because everyone signs an agreement that disqualifies the lawyers from representing the couple if the collaborative process breaks down.

The advantages of negotiating outside the Court process are that the couple set the agenda according to what matters most to them and their family. Working outside the Court process allows the couple to work at their own pace and to resolve matters as quickly as they wish. Once again, full and frank disclosure of financial circumstances is central to the process. Collaborative practice is an excellent option for people who want to avoid the uncertainties of the Court based system. It allows clients to benefit from legal advice without risking the threat of Court action during the negotiations. Both partners and their lawyers work together to find the best solutions.

If you are keen to achieve an amicable end to your marriage or relationship, then I urge you to consider mediation or collaborative practice. It is impossible to truly walk away from a relationship where children are involved. School meetings, graduations and weddings mean that couples may continue to meet as parents. Mediation and collaborative practice assist in creating an environment whereby it is possible to continue those activities with a spirit of respect and courtesy that can often be lost as a result of a legal battle.

Kim Beatson
Anthony Gold
See their details at Anthony Gold Divorce Aid Directory
Their website is Anthony Gold Website

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