Emotions
Pain
Ill health
Pain can be so intense that it can make you physically ill. Any existing
medical condition could worsen and you need to take extra care of yourself.
Keep in regular touch with your G.P. When your body is trying to deal
with the emotional turmoil, there is little energy left to fight off
any illness. Try to consider this particularly if you are instigating
the proceedings.
Pain is inevitable
Continuing to suffer is only an option. Although it may be difficult
to perceive at this stage, your goal is to let go of this terrible pain.
How can this be done? By 'forgiving' your spouse. You do not have to
do this personally; you are allowing yourself to 'forgive' in order
to say goodbye with love. 'Forgive' yourself too for any part in this.
It may be too early on your journey to contemplate this but try to revisit
this section later. Keep this as a future goal no matter how ridiculous
it may seem to you now.
A closed heart
Try not to leave with a closed heart as you will need an open heart
to appreciate your new life and its new possibilities. When love is
present, life works. Try to remember the love that existed once. You
were once loved, called beloved. Remember how it felt. Plan to feel
like this again. You once lived in this state of love but now your pain
is causing you to withdraw. This hurt is making you closed to the possibility
of love and happiness. Attempt to look for something positive each day.
Gratitude is so valuable.
Looking back without pain
There will be a time when you remember the love that existed without
feeling this pain. You must not close off this former life; it is part
of who you are. Your memories may be painful now but after time, they
will be just happy memories again. Do not destroy your photos and mementos.
You may want to see them when you are not hurting so much. If you have
children, they will want to see them too as this is part of them. They
do not belong to you alone; they are part of both of you and hurt when
the other parent is criticised.
Regaining self-confidence
Gradually the pain of separation will begin to decrease and you will
start to establish new routines. Be patient and try to be kind to yourself
and others. Your judgement will probably be impaired at this stage,
just when you have to make so many important decisions. But just as
in other stages, you have to attempt to move on. Your self-confidence
and self-esteem will gradually grow. Each person takes a different amount
of time to achieve this. This is the time to contemplate the future
and try to reach agreements. Keep communication open, however painful
this may be for you. Step back and reflect. You have come a long way.
It will get easier. You are not alone and we are always here to help.
A song to help?
Paul
Simon & Art Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
La joie venait toujours apres la peine.
Joy always came after pain.
G. Apollinaire
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