We hope that we are able to help you. In this section we discuss things for you to consider before divorce. Perhaps you could save your marriage? We look at your emotions and ways of dealing with them. Our Further help section has sources of support including counselling, therapy, recovery courses, divorce videos, holidays and helplines.
Thinking about divorce?
Sometimes you realise that you are drifting aimlessly through
your marriage. Your big dream doesn't look as though it is going to
come true. Day to day patterns of behaviour take over: work, domestic
routine and perhaps children's activities deflect from your personal
need to be valued and recognised. Maybe your spouse no longer makes
you feel loved and there's no feeling that it will get better. Are you
heading for more unpleasant rows, money worries or just indifference?
Indifference can be the most cruel thing of all to deal with. Money
worries are so common but seeking advice and working together in an
honest partnership could help you to save your marriage.
Is there another crisis in your life?
This could be redundancy, family bereavement, sudden or chronic
illness, debt as previously mentioned, or feeling as if you are growing
older but unable to direct your life. You could be feeling trapped and
unable to communicate your feelings. You could be suffering from depression.
In turn, your spouse could believe that these negative signals are their
fault and therefore withdraws from closer intimacy. A downward spiral
begins. Sexual intimacy could then be affected. You then probably look
elsewhere for affection and, if and when this is reciprocated, you think
you have solved all your problems.
What can you do?
There are many sources of support to help you with your problems
and we look at many of them In this section. Heading straight for divorce
could increase your problems. If you think that you had communication
problems in your marriage, you can multiply these a hundred-fold if
you suddenly decide to divorce without trying to find a way forward
in your relationship. A better way of moving forwards is to reach out
and ask for help. In everyday life, you continually seek out professional
help from experts. If you need a mortgage, you take expert financial
advice. When your marriage is in trouble, what do you do? Well, most
of us just muddle along, burying our heads in the sand and hoping that
things will somehow get better. But seeking out a professional counsellor
or other support could be of enormous help even if the marriage cannot
be salvaged.
Who can help?
We value our relationships and family so highly that when things
do go wrong, we do not know who to turn to. Close friends and family
are all emotionally involved and despite their best intentions, usually
do take sides. When you are riding an emotional rollercoaster and feel
that you need some support, you need to know that you can depend upon
a professional counsellor who is trained to listen and help you find
your way out of this crisis. A professional counsellor can take a more
detached point of view and provide a platform for you and your partner
to share your feelings and find a way to move on. Divorce or separation
is not always the best answer, with the exception of domestic violence
or abuse, and we are sure that recent media coverage may have made you
more aware of some issues.
Would counselling help?
A counsellor could assist you whether you attend alone, as
a couple or a family. Advice may also given about sexual problems. This
way, you can see if the marriage can be saved and if not, you could
continue with counselling even if you both decide that the marriage
cannot be saved. Why continue with counselling if the marriage is about
to end? Well, divorce does bring many problems particularly for the
children, but it is the way you divorce which can do most harm to families.
Lack of trust and a failure to communicate could lead you to the doors
of the court. Attempting to work things out through counselling or mediation
could lead to better family decisions and long-term relationships. Going
to court should in normal circumstances be considered a last resort.
We discuss counselling and other help in our Further help section.
Do you still want a divorce?
This is a life-changing event for all concerned and not just
for the couple concerned. It affects children, grandparents, other relatives
and friends. The consequences can be enormous and the whole process
of divorce should not be entered into lightly nor at speed unless domestic
violence is an issue or assets are at risk. (There are articles on domestic
abuse in our Parents and Legal sections.) You may think that as so many
people are getting divorced, one more divorce is just a common occurrence.
Unless you have witnessed it or experienced it, there is little to prepare
you. Timing should also be considered. Do you have children? Are there
difficult times ahead in other areas of your family life? Exams? Sick
elderly relatives? Think calmly and clearly.
How will you feel?
Divorce can be a relief to some individuals or couples but
it can also seem like a bereavement without the associated back-up systems
which are evident when a real death occurs. Your spouse could be plunged
into emotional and physical despair as it is usually one partner who
decides to end the marriage. Some loss is felt by both parties and to
some degree you both go through a similar grieving process but unfortunately
at different times. Loss is not only emotional but also physical and,
of course, financial. Its consequences are also experienced by the whole
family, especially siblings, grandparents and close friends. You may
know what you are getting out of but do you know what you are getting
in to?
How will it affect the children?
At first the divorce is traumatic. Many say that you do not
divorce your children but the sad fact is that you really do. Nothing
is the same in their lives ever again. Put yourself in their shoes.
They would naturally want both parents to continue to live together
happily. Unless they have witnessed violence, abuse or destructive rows,
the children believe that their family is happy. You cannot separate
your unhappiness in the marriage from the happiness of your children.
The extent of the trauma inflicted on your children can be reduced by
behaving with dignity towards your spouse. If you both co-operate regarding
the children, and in the areas of legalities and finances, which also
affect them, the emotional stress may be reduced for all concerned.
Yes, divorce and its consequences can be devastating but the way you
conduct yourself and the way you handle your divorce can have very damaging
effects for many years to come for all concerned, especially the children.
How do children cope?
Children do cope and many certainly flourish after divorce
but they need to see both parents openly expressing their love for them
and reassuring them they will be safe, loved and cared for. This is
even more important as they reach adolescence and start to form their
own relationships. We have a separate section for Children and one for
Teenagers
An important fact in divorce
There can be three sides to divorce: his, hers and the children's.
Reflect on this. Step back and carefully consider your options. Think
back to your plans for the wedding. How long did it take to arrange?
Who looked after the flowers, the clothes, the ceremony, the reception,
the stationery, the cake, the guests, the photos, the gifts... Who paid?
The list is long and probably the time it took was long too.
If you could only apportion some of this time and cost to the divorce,
then there would probably be a huge saving in distress, future family
relationships and legal fees.
Are there any books to help?
If you are unsure it could be helpful to read 'Where's Daddy?'
by Jill Curtis, our resident psychotherapist and her daughter, Virginia
Ellis. This is reviewed in our Books section with many others chosen
to assist you. This is a powerful and invaluable book for both mothers
and fathers who are facing separation. To remain married 'for the sake
of the children' is not a decision to be taken lightly. Parents who
are deeply unhappy and unable to resolve their difficulties may create
a negatively-charged environment which could be very detrimental for
their children. You may wish to look at our Children, Teenagers, Legal
and Financial sections to help you reach your decision.
Are the children separate from the divorce itself?
No, they are not separate from other parts of your divorce
no matter how much you would like to believe this. Think carefully and
plan in a responsible manner. If you have had no choice in this decision
and find yourself completely shocked and unable to believe that this
is happening to you, please read on. We are here to help and you are
not alone.
It is seldom indeed that one parts on good terms; because if one were on good terms, one would not part. Marcel Proust
You may be far from the healing process but this article from
our Divorce Blog section may
help
Message in a bottle
Last night I watched a good, weepy film called 'Message in a bottle.'
You may have seen it and, if not, you can guess the subject matter.
A divorcee finds a message in a bottle which is written by a man to
his lost love. It is moving, sincere and a love letter which many of
us would be happy to receive and treasure. I did weep, a good sort of
crying - the type which is sad and moving but not for oneself.
It made me remember all the love letters which I had managed to store away after my own divorce and I have been busy searching for them. I'm not too organised and filing is a bit of a pet hate of mine. Anyway, I found some of them and they had got mixed up with a box of court papers. Just one of the many boxes storing these precious gems - court papers, not love letters. Hubby was a passionate man and a lovely, frequent writer particularly when we were in different parts of the world with our jobs.
I suppose it's a measure of how I have moved on. I can read them and
enjoy them for what they were and what they meant to us at the time.
They were indeed declarations of ardent love and adoration. The court
papers though are a more difficult task and can overwhelm me with feelings
of desperate hurt, pain and betrayal.
Back to the love letters. One reads,
'I am sitting up in bed here without you, longing for you. Photos of
you are scattered over the bed so that I am covered and surrounded by
your image, sweet wife of mine. I adore you and am nothing without you.
Each hour apart is like a day and each day, a week. I hear your voice
speaking to me wherever I am and smile. People ask if I am ok. I reply
that I certainly am. Take care, my love and return home to me. I love
you.'
These frequent missives and poems were interspersed with several phone
calls a day. One of the last letters ends, after sixteen years of this
loving behaviour,
'I miss you very much. I love you and adore you. All my love.'
And then he was gone.
'Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again within
the sound of silence. In restless dreams I walk alone..' Simon and Garfunkel,
The sound of silence.
But I was loved once, called beloved. It was real and should not be
forgotten. It is part of me and made me who I am today. The divorce
has also played a part in this too. And although he never really spoke
to me again after seventeen years together, I shall hold on to the letters
and the memories as a reminder of our past love. He has forgotten and
moved on to someone new, told her that he had an unhappy marriage, that
he was not understood but we both know the truth.
I eagerly look forward to the next phase of my life. I am open to love and trust in the future.